It's time. I am out of the old place completely. So I'm allowed. The meltdown can begin. The meltdown has begun. I packed and loaded and cleaned for the last time and gave back the keys and came home to the home I live in now. And I took some stuff out of the car, into my mostly unpacked new place, but I didn't finish. I swam.
I swam some laps, then floated on my back. I heard my breath and my heart beating. Everything was sound. And the water held me up. And my breath grew irregular. And the water was everywhere.
I almost drowned once. I fought the waves, then listened to the sounds that come underwater, saw sand and shells and light. It was so still. I was enraptured, maybe. I don't know how long I was under, but the ocean threw me on the beach. I was a little disappointed, maybe.
I've always loved the water. Since we went to the pool when I was little and my dad threw pennies down in the deep end for me to dive for. Since we played in the creek by our house, trying to catch minnows and sliding on mossy rocks. Since I went in the ocean when I was little. I don't know how old I was. I wish I did. It was momentous, I think.
That feeling of floating today. It's the first time I've felt my feet off the ground in a long time. The first time I've felt held or supported or something in a long time.
I have been terrorized, I guess. I have been scared for a long time. I saw a picture of me taken a few weeks ago. I looked like someone had punched me in both eyes. Bruised down to my cheeks. It will take awhile for these to fade.
I went through this mostly alone. I go through a lot alone. I don't seem to be able to make anything stick. People I thought were friends were not around. People who live other places seemed to care more. I am best liked by people who don't know me.
That's where it starts. When the doing is over and the living starts again. When the skin breaks, the muscles unclench. When there is water on your face and beneath you and inside you and you don't think it's ever going to stop. And you tell yourself it will. And you tell yourself you want someone else to tell you these things. And you tell yourself they won't. And you remind yourself never to ask for anything again unless you know the answer will be yes. Tie it on your finger. Make a note.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Lots of things happening. None good. Ranging from bad to very bad. I live in a different place. I fell the other day on my knees and wrists and chin. My chin is bruised beneath. I went to the emergency room the next night because my right knee was in pain that made me cry and my left wrist was swollen and hurting more. I waited a long time to be seen and longer to be x-rayed. This horrible blonde woman was in a wheelchair on the phone with a husband or boyfriend telling him how he should feel and what he should do and trying to get some guy that worked there to get her food or water and she was all entitlement and the guy came and got her and she acted all traumatized and from what I gather, she had an upset stomach. Another woman came in and startled me because she looked very different from the front than from behind. She was wearing the cutest coat. She looked 25 from behind, if that makes any sense. Then I heard her say she was born in 1963 and she turned around and was sort of ... not ugly but not who I pictured wearing the cute coat. And she had something wrong with her eye and she was very upset and I wanted to yell at them to look at the woman with the hurt eye. Don't make her sit in the waiting room. At least look at her eye for a second and make sure she's not going to lose it or something. Take her in before me. It's her eye, for crying out loud. If my knee is broken, it's not going to get worse or better in an hour. However, when she almost walked into my right leg, I wanted to scream something that was not a compliment about her coat. And this nice-looking man was comforting her and seemed very sweet and I sat there and thought about how I drove myself to the hospital and didn't know who to call. I know people. I just don't want to bother anyone. Or to be told no. No, I can't help. No, I don't have a place you can sleep tonight. No, I can't sit with you at the hospital. And that is where I have to stop tonight. And I can't promise when I'll write more. But my knee and wrist were badly sprained and I think the doctor called to ask me out, but I didn't call back. And I look really, really bad anyways, so he probably didn't. I haven't slept much in awhile and I eat a lot, so I don't see how that could happen. I don't know if any of this makes sense. I really only wrote because someone asked me to and I am tired of letting people down. If you pray or light candles or surf in the early morning or smile before you go to sleep - I don't know. I was going to ask for something but I'm not. I wish everything good for everyone but I mostly wish the world would stop kicking me in the leg.
Posted by Lauren Becker at 11:13 PM